Silas's Hilarious Antics
by Eric and Derek
Summary: Well, this is rather mad, funny and freaky. It's coauthored, and very out of character. It is funny! please R and R! enjoy !Derek and Eric xxx The Title, is rather self explanatory so theres no need for a massive summary! heheh!
1. Aptinwac

Heya! This is something me and Cyraxis came up with on the coach. It's very out of character, but that's the way it's meant to be. This chapter is when Silas gets a parrot, you can probably guess what happens but we hope to make you snigger…at least. Tell me if you think its any good but clicking on that review button…_sexy…_

Silas was lonely. He was as lonely as a lost sock…_that was random_…so one day a simply BRILLIANT idea hatched.

"I'm getting myself a pet!"

He walked into the pet store, avoiding curious stares from children, adults and pigeons. The shop assistant was playing bingo with a squid when Silas tapped him on the shoulder. The shop assistant looked up…then looked back down again at the squid.

Silas was rather unnerved "excuse me Sir, I want a pet."_ That generally IS what you go into the PET store for, Silas. _

The Albino stared at the man and repeated himself.

"Oh, yes, young man," squeaked the shop assistant waddling to the counter "Follow me"

So, Silas followed.

Quarter of an hour later, the Albino…assassin…monk…catholic…man walked out of the store with a chirping box._ Yes, ever so manly, holding…a chirping box… proper sexy…_

He got back to the Opus Dei center and unpacked the box and its contents, rather rough handedly. Out of the box fell a parrot; it happened to have a broken neck from being shaken around on the journey home.

_Silas, when the man said "don't shake the box", I think he might have meant it._

The parrot sat quietly on its stand, its neck a little…askew. Silas bent down and stared at it. He was face to face with the parrot and a boyish grin spread from ear to ear on his face.

"I'm going to call you A.P.T.I.N.W.A.C." _that stands for "A Parrot That I Named With Amazing Creativity"_

The parrot sat.

And sat.

And sat.

_And yes, you've guessed it, sat._

Silas got bored and lonely, so he reached for his only friend… " The discipline"_ you know the knotted rope that he swings over his back…that was the que for scary music…dun, dun DUN!_

"Pain is good, Silas, pain is good" he reached for the rope "pain is good"

"**PAIN IS GOOOOOD! PAIN IS GOOOOOD!**" squawked a…squawky kind of voice. Silas, at that time was naked and covered himself up using a very sexy pink teacosy.

"Who the! Censored! was that?" he cried looking around wildly.

The parrot was staring at him with his freakishly beady black eyes.

Silas removed the teacosy and reached again for the discipline…

"**PAIN IS GOOOOOD!**" the phantom voice called…_yes, you may have already guessed it was the Parrot, Silas is a little…special…so he hasn't realized yet…_

Silas turned again to the discipline and heard it for the second time now. He caught A.P.T.I.N.W.A.C in action.

"**PAIN IS GOOOOOD! SILAS, PAIN IS GOOOOO!**"

"Right," mumbled Silas as he reached for his sexy teacosy, "I will teach you what REAL pain is…"_Little darling, aren't you Silas?_

The Albino walked menacingly over to the parrot and said: "Don't you play games with me Mr.! I know it was you, so own up!"

Outside the door, Bishop Aringarosa stood listening to every word.

"Don't you look at me like that! You can say sorry right now!" he heard Silas saying. "That's more like it!...Does this teacosy go with my eyes?"

_What the hell? Was Silas going mental?_ The Bishop burst in.

"Oh, bishop!" said Silas remembering he had a teacosy covering his…er…yeah…

"Silas? What is that THING?"

"Er…it's a parrot, Father," he said trying to redeem himself "I bought it, and er…I was er…talking to it?"

"Silas, I'm not talking about the bird, I on about…THAT" He pointed to the teacosy.

Silas hesitated "It's…er to cover my…um…" He broke off and turned bright red._ I don't actually know IF albinos can blush, anyways…_

":) Censored!" The parrot finished.

"Bloody Bird" Silas cursed.

"Don't take the pee out of that Parrot!"

"What?" Silas asked in a stupid state. "_Taking the P out of parrot would leave you with an "arrot"…" _he thought to himself.

"I," sang the Bishop, "Think, it's sexy"

Silas was astounded! "Do you mean the Parrot or the teacosy!"

Odd huh? Hoped you liked it a much as I did writing it. If you need anymore information on how to adjust the brightness of your robotic brother please send you details to- Robotic Brothers co._ um…yeah_ anyway…please review!

Nyviay xxx


	2. Muke Drywalker

**27th November 2005**

**A/N:-**Good evening, this is Cyraxis reporting from my house. Our top stories today:-

Cyraxis and Nyviay thank their beloved reviewers for the, um, reviews.

Simultaneously, they meet hot, 14 year old, albino, assassin twins called Silas and Silas, who, to save confusion, are nicknamed Silas the wicked albino and Silas the Awesome albino. (SiTWA and SiTAA for short).

SiTWA and SiTAA also say hi! … "Hi! Hi!"

Cyraxis updates this story.

Nyviay spends quality time with SiTAA.

All is good with the world; there are no acts of terrorism, hate crimes, general nastiness and spam, as everyone is soooo happy for Cyraxis, Nyviay and SiTWA and SiTAA. However, as the twins get out of the house more, there is a significant increase in the number of assassinations, and the corporal mortification rate in the UK skyrockets.

This is completely random, and I'm going to stop now and get on with the story…

**Silas' hilarious Antics- Part the Second.**

The next day, when the bishop Aringarosa had left, and Silas had taken his paracetomol (they had had a bit too much to drink and had ended up playing 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' around his lounge, followed by 'Punky Punky Pirates', in which they had taken turns to wield the parrot. Now his head hurt… a lot.), Silas decided that a parrot really wasn't the pet for him.

"After all, it's blue colour clashes with my sexy red eyes!" he said to himself, "Unless…"

After an hour of unsuccessful dyeing, the bird was a dingy purple colour, smelt of strawberry food colouring, and Silas headed back to the pet shop. He entered and the bell gave a little ting.

"Why, hello again!" Silas sang, "I'd like to buy another pet!" The man at the counter looked up from the snakes and ladders board on which he was playing against the squid and spoke.

"Hello," he spoke, in a very spoking voice, and continued to speak, "You want _another_ pet, you say? It seems like only yesterday that I sold you a parrot!"

"Um, it was yesterday…Anyway, I really don't think that a parrot is the right animal for me! I want something that suits my eyes better! A red colour, or maybe a pink."

"I think I might have just the thing for you!"

10 minutes later, Silas walked out of the shop carrying a large, sloshing bucket of water, once again looking very manly. He got home and set down the nice shiny red bucket on the table. APTINWAC perched on the rim of the bucket and peered in, and Silas had to 'shoo' him away from the inhabitant.

"$"&! I'll get that bird yet!" Silas said, and his day-old pet squawked around the house repeating him almost perfectly, even with Silas's hard to place accent. He ignored it, as he was too happy to be annoyed.

"Oh wow! I can't wait to get out my new pet! It's just _perfectly_ perfect for me! It even suits my sharp, witty personality! (Yeah, the one that thinks up lines like "sharp intake of breath from cilice")" He got a small dish from the cupboard and poured some water and some salt into it. He then took some broccoli out of his fridge along with some lettuce and sunk them into the bowl.

"There! Now you'll be right at home! Honestly, that shop keeper really was trying to scam me! I mean, 'No, Silas! Vegetables can't be used as seaweed!' Shows what he knows! Just one big ploy to get me to buy the shop's aquarium plants!"

So he got a ladle and carefully fished his new pet out of the bucket. (Silas happens to keep a well equipped kitchen.)

"Aww, it's _so cute_!" He carefully plopped the crustacean into the dish and it scurried sideways under a particularly large leaf of lettuce. It was a female lesser- spined hawk-shell African mammoth crab, and was a nice shade of peachy pink. Spines covered the circumference of it's shell, and it's two large pincers were large.

"Hmm, you've settled in nicely, all I have to do to look after you is add water and the occasional rodent, _plus_ you match my eyes; could anyone wish for a better pet? All I have to do now is name you! Hmm, you're African in origin, so I'll give you a foreign name! You shall now be known as… drum roll … , Muke Drywalker! So as not to infringe on Star Wars copyrights, plus it's such a feminine sounding name! Heh, also it means that she'll inherit his awesome Jedi powers, and she can fend off APTINWAC the evil purple parrot!"

After all this happiness, though, it was time for a good corporal mortification session, so Silas got out his discipline and, um, well, undressed. He was just about to 'Discipline' himself when his phone rang.

"Oh, lazy coal baskets! Who could it possibly be at this late hour?" he cried in indignation. He picked up the phone and began to speak, "Silas speaking, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now! You should call back at a more suitable hour!"

"Um, it's three in the afternoon…" Aringarosa's voice came from the receiver.

"…I knew that."

"Anyways, I have some prospective converts here to talk to my favourite numerary! Just tell them a bit about how wonderful life in Opus Dei is; you know, the pain, no contact with the opposite sex, constant penance, no material possessions, that kind of good stuff!"

"Ah, brilliant!" Silas cried, forgetting his, err, compromised situation, "Put them on the phone now!"

"Ok, just hang on one minute! Their names are May Rentart and Erik Namllod! (Names have been altered for witness protection…)"

While waiting for them to pick up, Silas glanced over to Muke Drywalker to see she wasn't there anymore! A trail of many, many small scuttle marks led away from the dish in rapidly evaporating water!

"Oh no!" Silas cried, "Why didn't she tell me she was amphibious!"

"Hello, is anyone there?" came a voice from the receiver.

"Yes, I'm here! You'll have to excuse me for one second, though! Muke's just done a runner, and I paid good money for her!"

"Excuse me, did I here you correctly!"

"Well, I suppose her name is a bit odd! She's foreign, you know! I had to pay extra because of that! Oh no, this is terrible! What if she's got outside? I still haven't got any clothes on, so I can't go out and chase her!"

"What! Are you trying to tell me that there's a foreign woman, which you paid for, who's escaped from your apartment!" They exclaimed in disgust, but it didn't matter, because Silas had placed the receiver on the table and was searching his apartment for Muke. APTINWAC, however, perched beside it and, mimicking Silas's earlier slip of the tongue perfectly, screeched into the phone "$"&! I'll get that bird yet!"

"That's it! We'd never join such a sordid organisation! You're a disgrace to the Church!" And with that Yam Rentart and Erik Namllod hung up, leaving a puzzled Aringarosa to talk to Silas.

"Hi, Silas, you there?" He called, and was answered by a triumphant yell somewhere from Silas's lounge. He came back with Muke in his hands and put her on the waist high counter.

"I'm here! Hey, where are our customers?"

"They left in a huff! Something about a foreign prostitute!"

"Hey, I'm Catholic, not Protestant! And France isn't _that_ foreign!"

"I know Silas, it's not fair. Anyways, how are you?"

"I'm just dandy- ARGH!" Silas screamed.

"Silas! What's the matter? Stroke? Heart Attack? Assassination? Ninjas? It's ninjas, isn't it? Have they shurikened you! Beware their ancient magic! Don't look them in the headdress! You'll turn to stone!"

But Silas had not been shurikened to death, or turned to stone. No, his fate was far more unfortunately unfortunate.

"Muke - I forgot - no clothes - the pain! - She has a grip like a vice!" He managed to stutter.

"Silas, are you trying to say that you left an African crab, on the waist high counter, right beside you, while wearing no clothes… and now she's, um…"

"Yes! She won't let go!" he cried in pain.

"Try spinning around! Maybe the force will make her fall off!"

So our wounded hero spun around madly on the spot, arms flailing spasmodically. In a flurry of 'graceful' movement, Muke flew off and landed with a splash into her dish.

"Phew!" Silas panted, "She's off!"

"Thank the Lord for that!" Aringarosa sang.

"Amen!" Silas added, and put on his clothes once again; he felt that he had had enough punishment for one day, so decided to skip the Discipline.

"…Do you want to come round to mine and play super, Super Sea Sponges?"

"Do I!"

…Fin…

**A/N:-** Thanks for anyone who was actually bored enough to read this! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it… which I guess is weird in it's own right…

Please review, anyways!


	3. Dermatologically Tested

Be warned, this is odd. The story is nothing rude, BUT! Its' all left to your sick minds. You could read this story normally, or, turn it round. Up to you…It WAS written normally.

Silas, being a broken toenail and being the smart young fellow his is, realized that a nipping crab was not what he wanted. It wasn't the right pet for him. "Red Marks" on his…erm…proved it. 'I can't have a crab in the house that nipps my…" he thought to himself as to thought him to think he thinked…he thought…he thinked…and came up with a simply MARVELOUS way to rid him self of Muke DryWalker.

So he boxed her up and took her down town to the pet store. He opened the door to the store and the shopkeeper, now playing finger puppets with a very bored squid, stopped what he was doing and began laughing a Silas! HOW AWEFULLY AWEFUL!

"Heh, I heard what you got up to last night!"

"Oh, sorry, was I screaming too loud? At the Discipline I mean…" he thought quickly.

"Erm…no, I heard about your foreign "friend". It was all over the newspaper!"

"What? Oh Muke? Yeah she's a bit nippy."

The assistant looked shocked at what the Albino was telling him.

"You remember right? I paid for her here!"

"No you did not! I'm not running an illegal prostitute centre at all!...Girls your men will pick you up in a minute…" The assistant hissed behind a curtain.

"Hmm. Who are you talking to?" asked a confused Silas. "And who is 'Girl'?"

"Oh, girl…you've, heard of him have you?" the man thought quickly, trying to lay off the subject.

Silas shook his head. The assistant began to break a sweat or seven.

"You know, girl, girl, the famous…SQUID!"

The assistant pointed to the squid in the tank next to him. The squid looked extremely bored… (Just trust me…why have YOU ever seen a squid frown?) and had finger puppets on all its tentacles. That's TENTICLES!

"Hey! This is "Girl" the squid!" boomed the assistant with a half-hearted smile. "Now, young man! Do you want girl?"

"Hey! You bet I do! Girl will be good to me! Girl will comfort me when I'm sad and treat me to happiness! Girl will keep the bed warm and wet!"

"Oh, yeah, now take girl." So Silas took the squid in the same box that he had taken Muke in. (Muke is now occupying "girl's" tank…she isn't quite as good at finger puppets).

As Silas walked home, APTINWAC the _purple_ parrot, had squawked himself to death while Silas was gone and was now a strawberry scented feathery heap on the floor.

Silas didn't actually notice. He thought that the dead bird was a new soft doormat the Bishop had put there while he was out buying Girl.

"I can't call Girl, Girl. That's not manly! And besides, it's a he! He checked the box in which the squid was in for inspiration for a name. The box was the packaging for cans of deodorant and the only words on the Box were-Fragile, keep upright.

"Hmmm, that won't do for a name!" he searched the box again and muttered to himself. "I need something that is obviously an obvious name for a squid, quite ordinary and SOOOO easy to remember!"

Then, he saw the perfect name. Dermatologically Tested.

Obvious. Ordinary. Easy to remember. Perfect!

He placed the squid in a tank of water, again with the vegetables as seaweed.

He had now tried to add a cardboard cut out of Buckingham Palace as a castle. (It had flopped, and Silas couldn't understand why cardboard was not cardboard under water. He soon found out that it became a kind of lumpy brown mush). The squid stared back.

The night was cold, as cold as the night. Dermatologically Tested was as squiddy as a Dermatologically Tested squid. And Silas was as bored as a bored Silas.

"Dermo T! Where are you my slimy friend?" he called as he rummaged the room for his squid. The squid had actually been sitting under the sofa.

Bishop Aringarosa was standing outside the door, about the knock and comfort Silas about the articles in the newspaper. He stopped short as he heard what Silas was saying.

"Um, "Girl", I mean Dermo T! Where are you? Oh, there you are! Hiding under the sofa! Oh, no, now I've got to pick you up. Or do you want me to play with you on the floor?"

The Bishop was rather disturbed. He hoped it wasn't what it sounded like. ANOTHER GIRL?

"Oh, you want me to pick you up?...Oh…that's it…oh now look what you've done! You've got ME all slimy!"

Back inside, Silas picked up the squid. "Oh really! Oops! I should have picked you up with the rubber gloves! Ewww! INFECTIONS!"

The Bishop couldn't believe what Silas was saying. This was so unlike Silas.

"Where has that darn rubber stuff gone? Oh here, we go! Oh, my, why can't I get it on? Dermo T, come help me!...easy now!"

The Bishop burst in. "Silas! What are you doing!"

Silas was kneeling down at a slumping squid on the carpet with a rubber glove in his hand.

"Oh Bishop! You caught me at the wrong moment!"

"Hmmm, well it certainly sounded like you were having a good time!"

"Oh now bishop really! This is my new squid! Don't you think she's sexy? Careful if you pick her up though…You could have an accident and be all slimy!"

Sick eh? Well, today's people all have odd minds, so I thought I would feed there imagination. If you notice, there is actually nothing rude in this, it's all left to your rude minds!

Nyviay xxx


	4. I Smell a Rat

Derek: Hey, there, must tell you this is actually BASED on a true story. Man, I loved that bus ticket…

Eric: That was quite, um, interesting… Well, hope you get as much fun and laughs from a bus ticket as we did.

Derek: Hell yeah. (Salutes)

Eric: Oh, in this, Silas is based on the one and only Derek, and Bishop Aringarosa is based on me.

Derek: (wild grin) Enjoy!

_**Silas' Hilarious Antics, Chapter Four.**_

"Where the heck has Silas got to? I've looked for him EVERYWHERE!" the Bishop cried in desperation. Aringarosa was waiting for his boy friend- I mean Silas (Derek and Eric: look shifty) by the bus stop.

The pair were on their way to the Vatican, important business, you know. However, Silas was nowhere…

"Bishop!" Bishop heard Silas call from behind him. The Bishop spizzed round (spizzed: Whizzed and span mixed together.)

"Silas! Where the heck have you BEEN!" he half-shouted at the albino, who cowered. He stood back up tall, before trying to regain his cool…

"Corporal Mortification called." Said Silas attempting to sound tough.

"Very good. Now, we MUST catch this bus! It'll be here soon!"

"Ooh, the bus is AWESOME! Have you ever been on a bus before, your Bishopyness?"

"I told you not to call me that…" His Bishopyness glowered.

The bus soon arrived and Silas could not contain his joy. "The bus, the bus, the bus! This is gonna be WICKED!"

The doors hissed open, and Silas darted onboard, pushing an elderly lady off the stairs.

They both stared at her, guiltily. "Um, I'm pretty sure she was a Satanist, anyway…" Silas mumbled.

They put their money on the tray and a ticket popped out of the printer-thing. Silas admired it. "That's GOT to be pixie magic." He ripped the ticket out…t'is the beginning of something…different…

Aringarosa laughed, "It's just a ticket, Silas. They have them on all buses."

"Aww, man. It's such a cool ticket though…can I keep it? Oh please Bishop! Can I, can I, can I?"

"Fine, but don't get attached to it, like you did that pebble we found at the airport. It'll just end in tears…"

They climbed the stairs. Silas being very careful about where he stepped…there ARE pixies on buses you know (they live under the stairs). They sat down and Silas became uncomfortably silent.

"What's the matter, Silas? I thought you liked the bus?"

"Hey, Bishop-dude, I do. It's just this bus ticket…it's…amazing."

"Erm, I'm glad you like it?"

Silas didn't reply.

A while later, the bishop began falling asleep. It was a hot day and the Bishop was sat in his robes. Man, he was hot. (Lol! Eric: Thanks!)

The bishop was jolted awake by a sudden outburst from Silas.

"Bishop! Bishop! Look what I did!"

Half afraid to open his eyes, Aringarosa said a quick prayer before squinting at the hyper albino.

The Bishop stared.

"You like it? His name is Joseph."

"Um, that's, er, nice... What is it?"

"It's a new pet of mine. I made it with this new technique I learned in prison. It's called Origaaaaa…..meeee. I think. This is my new PET! It's a pole rat. With a fang."

"Just the one fang, I see… Silas, you folded your bus ticket into a 'pole rat' shape didn't you?"

"Well, I'm not very good at Origami. It WAS a small, fat worm to begin with. Then he grew and became a snake. Then he morphed into a pole rat. Now THAT's what you called Evolution!"

"If we believed in evolution… which we obviously don't… really! Anyway, why are its arms and legs bent backwards?"

"I TOLD you, Origami is not one of my strong points. Besides, use your imagination." Silas waved Joseph in front of the Bishops eyes. "Don't you think he's sexy?"

"Um, I've never seen anything sexier in my life. Now, do you think that Joseph might like to have a new adventure? What about we drop him off in a bin somewhere?"

"Well, ONE, Joseph is mine. TWO, Joseph hates adventures and THREE, Joseph hates bins. Bins are stinky." Silas then proceeded in making the paper pole rat 'pole dance'. "You see, Bishopy-boo, that's WHY they are called Pole rats. Wow, Joseph, you keep those moves a'comin'!"

The Bishop stared again. "Maybe Joseph wants to settle down with a female pole rat. Maybe he could find one here, if we leave him when we get off."

"Joseph is gay. God, Bish, can't you tell? He ONLY has ONE fang, that means he's gay."

"Don't blaspheme, and DEFINATELY never call me 'Bish' again."

"Fair do, keep your lack of hair on." (That's not MEANT to make sense.)

The Bishop scowls.

The bus comes to a halt outside the Vatican and Silas hops of the bus with Joseph perched floppily on his shoulder. He wasn't a very lively little pole rat, after all.

"Silas, you leave that ticket either on the bus, or in the bin."

"Aww, darn, why? Do you think the Pope will like him?"

"Silas you CANNOT take that pole dancing, poorly applied use of Origami made, paper bus ticket in the shape of a deformed pole rat into the Vatican!"

Silas grinned.

"Just you watch me!"

Silas prances away happily.

"Oh dear" sighs the Bishop. "I dread to think WHAT the Pope will think…"

_**To be continued…**_

Derek: Joseph was such a cool pole rat.

Eric: Uh, yeah. (Darn Joseph, stealing my man!)

Derek: (stares in bewilderment and edges away slowly) Okaaaaaay. (gulps) Hope you enjoyed the first part of this chapter…What will the Pope think?

Eric: Even the wisest cannot tell… watched too much Lord of The Rings, sorry…

Derek: (rolls eyes) Anyways, we hope to update this soon! (salutes)

Eric: wOOt! We're off to a barbeque now. See you! … xxx (couldn't resist)

Derek: Aww, Eric, your gayness is showing again…


End file.
